Walking Through a House of Mirrors (a personal reflection*)
I have been on a spiritual path for a while now. Intentionally, since about 2007. At first, I was wide eyed, exhilarated by the idea of what was possible in terms of magic, and manifestation. I entered into this world and work with intentions of holding a high amount of integrity, and thinking that all of the other people on the spiritual path held the same intentions as me. I even had elders on my path tell me things like, “You are the real deal in a world of imposters”, which was great for my ego, but a little confusing. Like, what?
While it’s true that my mother had clear gifts, and I do have some natural abilities (that are likely amplified by my history of trauma and neurodiversity), I had a road ahead of me. Little did I know that entering into this world would create a fast track to my own shadow, and that there is simply no work-around. I have been met with the following aspects of myself: self-hatred (yes, that strong), self-abandonment, high masking, self-harm, a need for validation, depression + retreat, numbing, addictions, and self-importance. Each of these aspects of myself have been shown to me through others.
Additionally, I have navigated some of the most challenging social aspects of my life: being rejected, de-valued, and even ostracized by different groups and communities (spiritual and non-spiritual). I’ve had to learn to discern projection onto me from others, and to distiguish that from my own shadow. This was a huge lesson for me: “is it mine, or someone else’s?” And then, learning not to pick it up if it wasn’t mine. This led to another one of the big lessons of my life; learning how to set boundaries, when that was not modeled in my childhood home. I’ve had to accept that I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and to be OK with that. I’ve also had to flex on when to say “no—enough”; to finally release the need to please everyone.
And just when I thought that I was getting good at this; at recognizing, facing, and sifting through the trauma, I have experienced some of my deepest and most profound healing-through-shadow this last year. I participated in a personal guided ceremony that uncovered repressed childhood sexual abuse. This has taken nearly a year to process, and I continue to work through the shadow that this experience has imprinted on me.
This fall—the eclipse season especially- has been really challenging. I’ve had to slow way down (when I’m used to speeding up, busying myself to avoid feeling), and allow it to process through me. And not to rush it. To let it take its time. I’ve cried a river since September; sometimes I know where it’s coming from, and other times, I don’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m in that house of mirrors, and the reflection I see doesn’t look like me—literally and figuratively. And I have to rest in the fact that I’m not the same woman I was this summer, the last year, and especially the last decade.
In part, I do think that we are in times of immense transformation, and the unknown. We are meant to be purging our wounds that we can no longer keep buried. Just as we are seeing in our world right now. We simply cannot keep going in the same way. Things have to be seen, felt, and accepted (even if we don’t agree or like it) in order to be released and changed.
So, if you relate to this, are with me, or understand this on some level, here are some things to consider as you navigate your own unique terrain:
This is not a race. You can face your shadow, work on your healing AND take breaks. Have fun. Welcome in some lightness. Breaks from healing refortify you, help you stay connected to others, and allow for some integration time. It is totally possible to get addicted to healing. It’s OK to press pause.
Notice if what you are facing is connected to a childhood experience. Go back and reparent yourself. Comfort yourself. You can let your inner child fully feel what needs to be felt, and then provide comfort for yourself.
Continue to practice grounding and clearing exercises. I’ve said this many times; it’s a non-negotiable.
Continue to build your intuition by sitting/meditating, practicing conscious moments during your day, and listen to your gut. The body does not lie.
If you feel disconnected from your body, begin to notice small sensations, like when you bathe or wash your hands. What is the physical sensation? Is it connected to an emotion? This builds your interoception (sensing your internal needs like hunger/fullness, thirst, and even emotion). Interoception gets diminished from trauma and is also diminished if you have neurodiversity (ADHD, OCD, ASD).
Make sure you are connected with a support team. This may consist of trusted friends, a therapist, or a coach.
I hope that this post will help you feel connected. You are not alone. If you are doing shadow work, it is a noble undertaking, and totally worth the effort. As we expand our capacity to feel difficult emotions, we expand our capacity for joy.
*pun very much intended
