W(hole)

I am a messy human with complex feelings. I have been in and out of healing circles and friendships during my course of re-membering in adulthood. In fact, I can say that for most of my adult life, I now realize, I’ve been re-membering more than I’ve been asleep/unconscious. This doesn’t mean that I am any “better” or “worse” than anyone else.

The most painfully true awareness that I have learned is that if one wants to be (and stay) on the path, many things need witnessing. Especially the aspects of self that don’t want to be seen. I have also learned that rest and “leaning out” are part of the integration process. At times, I have found myself feeling fully supported (by humanity and the “beyond”), while other times I have felt very alone—even when I know that support is all around me.

When I reflect on the last 18 months (OK, 4 years, if I’m being honest), it has been one of the most uncomfortable and “compressed” times that I have experienced. As a sensitive, neurodiverse person, I have the need to be invisible and fully seen. To be known and unknown. To achieve mastery and a beginners mind and heart. Underneath all of these paradoxical needs is the underlying need for freedom.

While I gradually release the need to fix and contort myself into unrecognizable forms, I also release the need for perfectionism, and for showing up in a particular way that better suits the needs of others. For me, this is a massive undertaking and unlearning. I am learning that my greatest work is myself. For through the healing of myself, I can offer a clear(er) offering for others. The return to myself isn’t as labor-some or scary. I see myself now as a mixed media sculpture, complete with a bit of hodgepodge, and imperfect scraps and bits purposefully visible. I find that I am better equipped to communicate my needs with others, and where boundaries serve me, and limit me.

I have recently adopted a practice from David Clements: pulling my higher self down into my physical body, as a means of anchoring my own divinity into my human form. This process has been harder than I expected; in brining my own divinity/higher self more into my body, a purge of old wounds, patterns, and behaviors came immediately to the forefront. My need for rest, recharging, grounding, and even solitude has also increased.

If this message feels relatable or resonant, take comfort that you are not alone. Keep at it—at your own pace. If things are feeling icky, sticky., challenging, or even unhinged, know that it is OK. This is not a failure. As David would say, try to be the “calm observer” when things get challenging. Pull back, zoom out, and witness the wholeness of things; remember that all of this is temporary. Every last bit. Deep peace, love, and compassion to everyone out there. I continue to hold us all in compassion through our unique processes, witnessing the collapse of global and internal structures that can no longer support who we are becoming.

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